Dear God,
I feel so alone.
I feel invisible.
Abandoned. Cold. Afraid.
Dear God,
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am in a tunnel of darkness.
And I do not see the light.
The light you promised me
Dear God,
I am frozen with fear.
I am paralyzed in my steps.
I am a girl who cries
When all the world wants to see is a smile
Dear God,
I feel numb. Listless. Unaware.
All warmth has fled
And I chill to the bone.
..I feel so utterly alone.
Dear God,
My heart aches for love
The love I lack so much.
I feel empty inside
--a wide gaping hole--
..a void that waits to be filled.
Dear God,
I want my friends back.
I want my life back.
I want myself back again.
--The girl I once knew--
..She has long been forgotten.
Dear God,
I need rescue.
Perhaps your rescue is best
I need to be recaptured by this wonderful thing called
--LIFE—-
Dear God,
take me by the hand.
Carry me on your shoulders.
I know I have become too weak to do this on my own.
I need a friend. Please, God; be my friend.
Dear God,
I am at a loss of words now.
There's not much else for me to say.
My thoughts and feelings..
They have evaporated me now..
I'm tired and sick
and sick and tired of being sick.
Dear God,
I feel alone.
Perhaps a gentle reminder
From you that I am not..
Is well-needed now
Dear God,
Please help me.
"Have mercy upon me, oh Lord God, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak...
...I am a dread to my friends---
--those on the street flee from me.
I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery, a broken vessel
For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side.....
...But I trust in You, oh Lord;
Thou art my God
My times are in thy hands.."
---Psalm 31:9-15--
(excerpt)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Freak-Out
I am having a really hard time. I was supposed to find out if I can see my therapist and/or doctor again yesterday, and they said they are behind schedule, call back in a month.
I can't WAIT another month. I am NOT okay. I have lost a quite significant amount of weight in the past few weeks, and I just can't stop. I'm trying SO hard, but I seem to continue to fail. I'm already below the weight that my doctor had set for hospitalization, I'm just lucky I can't afford to see her so she can't. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. Only me.
I am so frustrated. I want to be able to live normally. I want to be able to pay attention to normal things- like Christmas, the joy of giving, the birth of our savior- instead of how much time I have to spend out of the safety of my loft, and how much food is going to be around. I feel like I'm going insane. Scratch that- I feel like I AM insane, and it's only getting worse. Now, to make things that much better, I was on Facebook a moment ago-
For those of you on Facebook- you know how when you are on your home page it has a "People you may know", with three pictures and names of people of whom it's likely you know? (Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence!)
Yeah, well it's pretty good. It certainly DID find someone I know... or knew, I suppose.
It was a lovely picture of him and his pregnant wife, their cute little family.
The cute, blessed, perfect little family of the man who raped and beat me when I was fifteen, and again when I was sixteen.
Both times on Valentines day. Uh, happy Valentines day? NOT.
What a perfect looking family, what a perfect little picture. What a great life they seem to have.
What a terrible person I must be to make such a perfect man inflict so much pain upon another.
Logically, I know it is never the persons fault. I can continue to pretend to believe that if I choose to.
Actually, I DO believe that. But with me, it's different. I knew the guy from church, for heaven's sake. He's a good man, he holds the priesthood, he has a beautiful loving wife, and they are now starting a family of their own. He never even missed a day of church, not one Sunday I can remember. He was- in every respect- a good man.
I was always just that weird convert that comes to church all by herself and is too quiet for her own good.
Such a good righteous man, and such a painfully naive girl.
What would make such a great man do such things? A terrible person would. Apparently, I would.
Perhaps that's what I get for hating and defacing what God has given me, perhaps it was to teach me to be more righteous. Or perhaps I just deserved it because I am me. I suppose that's good enough reason.
But I have to wonder why a God so loving and understanding would use such cruel and painful forms of punishment, and why, even though I was trying so hard, going to church and Yong Women's every week, had just gotten baptized.. Why is it never enough? Why can i never be good enough, despite my extreme efforts? Why do I fail at everything? Why am I being forced to live this cruel life where I can never seem to keep up? Why did that picture and name have to show up, bringing back flooding emotions of self hatred, fear, and a loss of all control, a loss of myself?
Why?
I can't WAIT another month. I am NOT okay. I have lost a quite significant amount of weight in the past few weeks, and I just can't stop. I'm trying SO hard, but I seem to continue to fail. I'm already below the weight that my doctor had set for hospitalization, I'm just lucky I can't afford to see her so she can't. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. Only me.
I am so frustrated. I want to be able to live normally. I want to be able to pay attention to normal things- like Christmas, the joy of giving, the birth of our savior- instead of how much time I have to spend out of the safety of my loft, and how much food is going to be around. I feel like I'm going insane. Scratch that- I feel like I AM insane, and it's only getting worse. Now, to make things that much better, I was on Facebook a moment ago-
For those of you on Facebook- you know how when you are on your home page it has a "People you may know", with three pictures and names of people of whom it's likely you know? (Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence!)
Yeah, well it's pretty good. It certainly DID find someone I know... or knew, I suppose.
It was a lovely picture of him and his pregnant wife, their cute little family.
The cute, blessed, perfect little family of the man who raped and beat me when I was fifteen, and again when I was sixteen.
Both times on Valentines day. Uh, happy Valentines day? NOT.
What a perfect looking family, what a perfect little picture. What a great life they seem to have.
What a terrible person I must be to make such a perfect man inflict so much pain upon another.
Logically, I know it is never the persons fault. I can continue to pretend to believe that if I choose to.
Actually, I DO believe that. But with me, it's different. I knew the guy from church, for heaven's sake. He's a good man, he holds the priesthood, he has a beautiful loving wife, and they are now starting a family of their own. He never even missed a day of church, not one Sunday I can remember. He was- in every respect- a good man.
I was always just that weird convert that comes to church all by herself and is too quiet for her own good.
Such a good righteous man, and such a painfully naive girl.
What would make such a great man do such things? A terrible person would. Apparently, I would.
Perhaps that's what I get for hating and defacing what God has given me, perhaps it was to teach me to be more righteous. Or perhaps I just deserved it because I am me. I suppose that's good enough reason.
But I have to wonder why a God so loving and understanding would use such cruel and painful forms of punishment, and why, even though I was trying so hard, going to church and Yong Women's every week, had just gotten baptized.. Why is it never enough? Why can i never be good enough, despite my extreme efforts? Why do I fail at everything? Why am I being forced to live this cruel life where I can never seem to keep up? Why did that picture and name have to show up, bringing back flooding emotions of self hatred, fear, and a loss of all control, a loss of myself?
Why?
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