Tuesday, December 30, 2008


I am having a really hard time. I was supposed to find out if I can see my therapist and/or doctor again yesterday, and they said they are behind schedule, call back in a month.
I can't WAIT another month. I am NOT okay. I have lost a quite significant amount of weight in the past few weeks, and I just can't stop. I'm trying SO hard, but I seem to continue to fail. I'm already below the weight that my doctor had set for hospitalization, I'm just lucky I can't afford to see her so she can't. What she doesn't know can't hurt her. Only me.
I am so frustrated. I want to be able to live normally. I want to be able to pay attention to normal things- like Christmas, the joy of giving, the birth of our savior- instead of how much time I have to spend out of the safety of my loft, and how much food is going to be around. I feel like I'm going insane. Scratch that- I feel like I AM insane, and it's only getting worse. Now, to make things that much better, I was on Facebook a moment ago-

For those of you on Facebook- you know how when you are on your home page it has a "People you may know", with three pictures and names of people of whom it's likely you know? (Sorry, that was a bit of a run-on sentence!)
Yeah, well it's pretty good. It certainly DID find someone I know... or knew, I suppose.
It was a lovely picture of him and his pregnant wife, their cute little family.
The cute, blessed, perfect little family of the man who raped and beat me when I was fifteen, and again when I was sixteen.
Both times on Valentines day. Uh, happy Valentines day? NOT.

What a perfect looking family, what a perfect little picture. What a great life they seem to have.
What a terrible person I must be to make such a perfect man inflict so much pain upon another.
Logically, I know it is never the persons fault. I can continue to pretend to believe that if I choose to.
Actually, I DO believe that. But with me, it's different. I knew the guy from church, for heaven's sake. He's a good man, he holds the priesthood, he has a beautiful loving wife, and they are now starting a family of their own. He never even missed a day of church, not one Sunday I can remember. He was- in every respect- a good man.
I was always just that weird convert that comes to church all by herself and is too quiet for her own good.
Such a good righteous man, and such a painfully naive girl.

What would make such a great man do such things? A terrible person would. Apparently, I would.
Perhaps that's what I get for hating and defacing what God has given me, perhaps it was to teach me to be more righteous. Or perhaps I just deserved it because I am me. I suppose that's good enough reason.
But I have to wonder why a God so loving and understanding would use such cruel and painful forms of punishment, and why, even though I was trying so hard, going to church and Yong Women's every week, had just gotten baptized.. Why is it never enough? Why can i never be good enough, despite my extreme efforts? Why do I fail at everything? Why am I being forced to live this cruel life where I can never seem to keep up? Why did that picture and name have to show up, bringing back flooding emotions of self hatred, fear, and a loss of all control, a loss of myself?